Lost

I pray everyday, every night- whenever and wherever.  For myself, for family, for friends, for ppl who aren't my friends. Most importantly, I pray for you, for us.  My friends know me as fiercely loyal. I play hard, and love just as hard. By sheer will and determination, I get up-get moving-and keep on going even when there has been more times than most that I have wanted to give up. I may be broken. I'm afraid that I won't get over this. I am over-sensitive.  I cry.  A lot.  I love hard.  I am trying to learn my worth.  I am trying to be the best version of me that I can be.  I'm afraid I'm not strong enough.

I know this too shall pass.  I know that eventually this will get easier.  Paths cross all the time.  Maybe yours went to the left and mine was straight.  My faith tells me that ours will cross again.  Time, patience, maybe a lil persistence and a whole lot of tenderness is how.  I'm a Southern girl who's dreams are simple.  Family, Faith and fun. 

I don't want to shut down.  I want to be happy, for u to be happy, for us to be happy.  I woke up and went to bed happy when u laid next  to me.  I fell asleep smiling when u held my hand at night. 

I wish I knew that exact moment when u felt different, when u felt like u needed that extra attention.  I'm afraid that this love was never really there, that I imagined it all.  I'm scared that I will never know happiness or love.  That I have never known these things bc my life didn't teach me them when I was younger. 

I'm terrified that I was the one who pushed u away.  That I somehow caused this.  I truly wish I knew so that I could be ok abt it.  Make peace and stop crying every 5 minutes.  I am a mess.  And I don't know how to do this.  I am not strong enough.  I can't do this. 

Not again.

Sneaky Sneaky Bikini

Summer is right around the corner, right?  Like, that sucker came QUICK!  Just last month, I was doing my immitation Pamela Anderson on the beaches of Puerto Rico, thinking- ok, I could look worse... Well, worse is here it seems.  Overseas, I had the confidence to stroll around, belly and thighs in their full glory and now, the thought of being seen @ LBI or Maryland or Seaside has me twitching....  WTF is it about being seen at these places that has me really really stressed??!!!  I think it's bc of the pretencious people there that think that Jersey Shore is real life.  Their orange & weathered skin @ 20 scares the shit out of me!  And, yeah- in my 20's, before bills n real life came along, all I did was work and live at the gym.  My ass was coveted!  Ask!!!  Now, I WISH I could drag my exhaustedbcmycommutesucksthelifeoutofme- ass to the gym.  Anyways, where was I??  Beach n wanna b Jersey Shore.  Wait, I forgot that the nearest beaches for me IS THE FUCKING JERSEY SHORE!!!!!!!!  I guess I should accept reality.  I am a worker bee.  So, whip out the spray tan, scrunch my hair and FOREVER21 here I come!  I have to get into my "Shore" mode, where it's not about how hard you work or your long commute there, but it's all about WAWA hoagies, fake bake, orange "tans" and the OMGISSHEWEARINGATANKINI??!!?!!!!!!? 

To Summer of 2012 & orange prostitots everywhere!
A Cubicle Queen

Gym rant

Ever go to the gym and look around, zone in on the machine/equipment you wanna use and have to slam on the breaks bc u see that person u fear most.  Not the chatty person or super skinny stripper type but them- the stinky person. Never fails for me! I go to the gym and see only 1 eliptical open. Walk over to it and, BAM!!! The smell hits u n u now realize why no one else is using it! Wtf!!! Is it me??? How the fuck can u not smell urself!!???? Spices n armpits... OMG,WTF... Why do u do it to us?! I'm an innocent!! I use Dove deoderant & eat garlic but my shit don't smell like THAT... Again, OMG...
Come on! You know I'm stating a fact. And THEN I SEE THEM IN THE POOL OR SAUNA!!!!?????  OMG OMG OMG!! I almost straight died one time I walked into the sauna and there were 2 people in there, yapping away....  Straight up tripped on the floor I did.  Can u imagine the smell in A SAUNA???? AND IT DIDN'T PHASE THEM!! THEY COULDN'T SMELL IT....
I can't...lol... I know it sounds bad but I'm not saying anything anyone hasn't said in their own heads at one point or another. Neways, back to work.
Xoxo
A Cubicle Queen

:'(

I think people believe I am weak.  Please.  That little studder of mine or occasional way-ward look is me, visualizing my hands wrapped around ur neck; obstructing ur air passage and imaging u gasping for life on the floor. :) Do not, even for 5 seconds think that I am incompetent or that I have a speech impediment.  It is called composure.  When u pull whatever comment to me out of ur rectum, I wanna come at ur neck like a rabid raccoon, ripping ur voicebox out of ur slithering throat. But no.  I will studder a little bit, compose myself, and try to talk like a reasonable individual.  Call me a backstabber??  Bitch please!!! Look at u with ur bitch assed..... ::insert blank look and tilt head::  Open mouth, "I'm sorry you feel that way."

;)
A Cubicle Queen

Really???

I was trying to think of a subject to write about today but I am beyond frustrated.  People who know me knew that the one thing in my life that I was pridefull of and enjoyed was my job.  Even through whatever drama, I truly enjoy helping my customers and performing quality work.  Now, I just don't know anymore.

I used to work in the fairytale land of the Far Northeast, now I'm in U City hell.  Even the homeless ppl hate it around here.  My 10min commute to work?? Haha!! It's an hour- EACH WAY!  On a good day!!!! I can't stand it anymore!!! How much negativity can 1 person take?  I'm expected to abracadabra myself here, be a computer software troubleshooter, EXCEL wizard, "take the initiative" type when all I wanna do is dive into a bottle of tequilla and buy more Powerball tickets, praying that the lottery Gods shine their good fortune upon me.  But, I'm not an ass syphon and I have all my teeth so there goes my chance at career advancement or lottery windfall.

Needs a change, maybe something like selling sand to rich ppl on a beach or snow to eskimos.... Until then, I'm just-

A Cubicle Queen

...

Yesterday, my cellblock got a new warden.  (From a different cell block). Sigh. Why????????????  Bc the HPIC wanted to shake things up.  Listen, the only things I wanna shake is my ass on wknds and that HPIC like a deranged parent would shake their baby.  Our last warden was far from soft but she was a reason to come in.  She was easy to talk to and pleasant.  Made our sentences more bearable.  Now? Blehhh

So, I was sitting in my cube today, thinking abt yesteryear it seems.  Contemplating how much weight these IKEA lights would hold if I could just find strong enough shoe laces to hang myself.  I was already shanked in the back by another warden and I'm unsure if I can survive another one.  Guess we will find out...  I won't drop the soap and will keep my nail file hidden.  Just look out for a chalk outline of me in Cellblock P23.132...

A Cubicle Queen

...d**b...

Ok, ever wake up and think that u should just stay in bed, that it won't b ur day today? Well, today is that day for me. Aside from the basics (FML- Fuck My Life,FYL- Fuck Your Life,FMJ- Fuck My Job & the fav FU- do I need to spell this one out?? Sheesh...lol)- I'm at that point u know???? Of course u know how I feel!!!

With that said, in walks the office screamer, the instigator.  I don't care abt u and the sooner u step into traffic, the better for me and the rest of society.  All you do is stir the pot, see what floats to the top. I know what ur doing and others know too...  Now, temptation may want you to stab them with a paper clip or choke them out with rubber bands but sit still my little jailmates. They wanna yell? Go for it! I'm going to just act like I'm listening to music, earbuds in!!!! No stirring w/ me! Do I walk around w/ my earbuds on and w/ no music??  HELL YEAH I DO!!!  I hear everything u are saying n I will keep my spaced out look and sing some Outkast.  The moment I let u think u have me- piiiiiiiing! You will attempt to pounce like a bed bug.  Not this little Latina!!!

Yeah, I sometimes fall prey but I'm only human.  The important part is to let them think they have u, with all their cockatoo squawking. Then laugh with ur spaced out look and sing that Outkast..... ~heyyyyyyyyyy yaaaaaa! Heeeeeyyyyyyyyyyeeeee yaaaaa! ~   

.. d- -b ..
A Cubicle Queen