Gym rant

Ever go to the gym and look around, zone in on the machine/equipment you wanna use and have to slam on the breaks bc u see that person u fear most.  Not the chatty person or super skinny stripper type but them- the stinky person. Never fails for me! I go to the gym and see only 1 eliptical open. Walk over to it and, BAM!!! The smell hits u n u now realize why no one else is using it! Wtf!!! Is it me??? How the fuck can u not smell urself!!???? Spices n armpits... OMG,WTF... Why do u do it to us?! I'm an innocent!! I use Dove deoderant & eat garlic but my shit don't smell like THAT... Again, OMG...
Come on! You know I'm stating a fact. And THEN I SEE THEM IN THE POOL OR SAUNA!!!!?????  OMG OMG OMG!! I almost straight died one time I walked into the sauna and there were 2 people in there, yapping away....  Straight up tripped on the floor I did.  Can u imagine the smell in A SAUNA???? AND IT DIDN'T PHASE THEM!! THEY COULDN'T SMELL IT....
I can't...lol... I know it sounds bad but I'm not saying anything anyone hasn't said in their own heads at one point or another. Neways, back to work.
Xoxo
A Cubicle Queen

:'(

I think people believe I am weak.  Please.  That little studder of mine or occasional way-ward look is me, visualizing my hands wrapped around ur neck; obstructing ur air passage and imaging u gasping for life on the floor. :) Do not, even for 5 seconds think that I am incompetent or that I have a speech impediment.  It is called composure.  When u pull whatever comment to me out of ur rectum, I wanna come at ur neck like a rabid raccoon, ripping ur voicebox out of ur slithering throat. But no.  I will studder a little bit, compose myself, and try to talk like a reasonable individual.  Call me a backstabber??  Bitch please!!! Look at u with ur bitch assed..... ::insert blank look and tilt head::  Open mouth, "I'm sorry you feel that way."

;)
A Cubicle Queen

Really???

I was trying to think of a subject to write about today but I am beyond frustrated.  People who know me knew that the one thing in my life that I was pridefull of and enjoyed was my job.  Even through whatever drama, I truly enjoy helping my customers and performing quality work.  Now, I just don't know anymore.

I used to work in the fairytale land of the Far Northeast, now I'm in U City hell.  Even the homeless ppl hate it around here.  My 10min commute to work?? Haha!! It's an hour- EACH WAY!  On a good day!!!! I can't stand it anymore!!! How much negativity can 1 person take?  I'm expected to abracadabra myself here, be a computer software troubleshooter, EXCEL wizard, "take the initiative" type when all I wanna do is dive into a bottle of tequilla and buy more Powerball tickets, praying that the lottery Gods shine their good fortune upon me.  But, I'm not an ass syphon and I have all my teeth so there goes my chance at career advancement or lottery windfall.

Needs a change, maybe something like selling sand to rich ppl on a beach or snow to eskimos.... Until then, I'm just-

A Cubicle Queen

...

Yesterday, my cellblock got a new warden.  (From a different cell block). Sigh. Why????????????  Bc the HPIC wanted to shake things up.  Listen, the only things I wanna shake is my ass on wknds and that HPIC like a deranged parent would shake their baby.  Our last warden was far from soft but she was a reason to come in.  She was easy to talk to and pleasant.  Made our sentences more bearable.  Now? Blehhh

So, I was sitting in my cube today, thinking abt yesteryear it seems.  Contemplating how much weight these IKEA lights would hold if I could just find strong enough shoe laces to hang myself.  I was already shanked in the back by another warden and I'm unsure if I can survive another one.  Guess we will find out...  I won't drop the soap and will keep my nail file hidden.  Just look out for a chalk outline of me in Cellblock P23.132...

A Cubicle Queen

...d**b...

Ok, ever wake up and think that u should just stay in bed, that it won't b ur day today? Well, today is that day for me. Aside from the basics (FML- Fuck My Life,FYL- Fuck Your Life,FMJ- Fuck My Job & the fav FU- do I need to spell this one out?? Sheesh...lol)- I'm at that point u know???? Of course u know how I feel!!!

With that said, in walks the office screamer, the instigator.  I don't care abt u and the sooner u step into traffic, the better for me and the rest of society.  All you do is stir the pot, see what floats to the top. I know what ur doing and others know too...  Now, temptation may want you to stab them with a paper clip or choke them out with rubber bands but sit still my little jailmates. They wanna yell? Go for it! I'm going to just act like I'm listening to music, earbuds in!!!! No stirring w/ me! Do I walk around w/ my earbuds on and w/ no music??  HELL YEAH I DO!!!  I hear everything u are saying n I will keep my spaced out look and sing some Outkast.  The moment I let u think u have me- piiiiiiiing! You will attempt to pounce like a bed bug.  Not this little Latina!!!

Yeah, I sometimes fall prey but I'm only human.  The important part is to let them think they have u, with all their cockatoo squawking. Then laugh with ur spaced out look and sing that Outkast..... ~heyyyyyyyyyy yaaaaaa! Heeeeeyyyyyyyyyyeeeee yaaaaa! ~   

.. d- -b ..
A Cubicle Queen

Cheese!!!

I've come to the conclusion that this whole office rat theory is actually an epidemic, of massive proportions!!!! As I am not one to perpetuate this behavior, you guessed it, I am an outsider- not to be trusted. Thanks but no thanks! Everyone that knows me knows that I tell it like it is.
Gotta boogie hanging from your nose? Ima tell ya (who wants that shit landing on them???!!! Not I). Rocking a camel toe? Hell yeah, Ima tell you! Especially if you n I are frenimies.... ;)
Maybe its a lack of tack, maybe it's my mother's idontgiveafuck attitude but it is what it is sometimes. Think your kid is the cutest thing on bowed-legs?? Well, sorry if I'm not an ohmygoodnesshowadorable-type. I'm more of an "aww, look at his little leg braces!" Bahahaha
I know, I'm bad but you're not reading this blog bc I'm politically correct are you?
Until tomorrow,
A Cubicle Queen

Tick...tick...tick...

Yeah, you know what that is. Its the clock you keep looking at bc you can't wait to get the hell outta work and start your weekend. 3:12...3:13...3:14... You're counting down that last miserable half hour until u break-out to freedommmmmmmm!!! Shots, par-tayyy, sleeeeeeep..... Whatever floats your tug boat.  But then you hear them. That one person u dread seeing most. Not necessarily bc u hate them (hate is such a strongword) but that u will NEVER understand their M.O. The person that just makes you wish u can choke out and no, it's not your boss or the hot mail guy but THEM, the office snitch-rat-mole-kiss ass, etc... That one person that has a patch of brown permanantly stuck on their nose. 

Now, they know DAMN WELL that they never walk their Pach gang member ass down to your end of the cellblock. But everyday, b4 they leave 15 minutes early mind u, they come down your end. Why the fuck is that necessary!??? Pls, someone explain it to me?! I just wanna get the fuck outta here today! I have a bottle of Patrón waiting for me and an ass to shake this weekend! Why waste precious time waddling over to my end, looking at me in my cell doing squats (by the way, 2 reps of 10 is enough to get the blood flowing. No, you will not get that JLo booty and yes, ur cankles will still b there but fuck man! This is just your 1st week, jailbird....sheesh) like, you're not working... Rat bitch, neither r u!!! I wanna say, "it takes u 10 minutes to walk the 20 ft to my cell and ur supposed to leave everyday @ 3:30 but you don't. 3:14 is more to ur liking. Annnnnnnnnd, u think everyone doesn't notice that u do nothing but bs all day long" but no, u stay quiet n just look right back at them.

Get me a banana for them to slip on! Stay on ur end, mind ur fucking business and do some armlifts!!!!! Damn!!!!! Wheew!!! Ok, done complaining.... :) But they know who they are, and more importantly, YOU know who they r...

Enjoy ur wknd! I'm off till Tuesday!
A Cubicle Queen 

Day 2

Someone asked me yesterday if I had started a new job, and was this why u started ur blog saying 25+ yr sentence?? No, dipshit. I am still a govt servant, doing the "you should be blessed to even be working" dance. Yeah, right.... Has anyone taken a close look at some of these ppl arnd here?? That was a serious question, not rhetorical. Like, have you SERIOUSLY LOOKED AT SOME OF THEM?!?! I'm just sayin'.... Every jail has their "things" they are known for. Arian nation, Bloods, Crips, Vatos Locos Forever and all that crap... The gang here is called the Pachyderms. What does it take to be a member of this elusive group you ask? Well, lemme answer that question for u! But, we have to start with defining a pachyderm; per our buddy Webster a pachyderm is a large, land dwelling animal such as elephants, rhinos, hippos and the ever elusive wart hog. 

So, to be a member of the Pach's, you have to be lazy and have some facial hair... ;) To avoid being recruited by this gang, you have to keep up with the cell exercises! Yesterday, we did jumping jacks..... Today, we are going to use a stapler. Not only can u use ur little buddy to litter the floor with silver shiny things, use as a weapon/self defense, but u can use that little sucker to trap more than paper! At lunch break, instead of fighting off the heard to defend you food, u can use it as a weight to do arm exercises. Using the stapler, do 3 reps of 10 for each arm. You can just go up and down by your sides or, lowering the stapler behind head up and down. If you have a can of soup u were thinking about heating up, u can use that instead of that liguid heart attack. If u commit to doing this everyday, you should start noticing a difference in your arms.
Worse case scenerio, you will be a little sore after the first day. Or, you could go back to using it as a weapon.......
Just sayin'.

;)
A Cubicle Queen

Hi!!

Why hello there. My goal is to share the day-to-day of your basic cubicle Queen.  A desk rider, office chair jockey...whatever u wanna call it. This isnt going to be a profound experience but a vessel for all those not on solitary cube confinement. Today, my cube is killing me. Literally, I'm convinced I'm allergic to the cubicle fibers. But, its a new year.. omg!! Like, Happy New Year...... Sarcasm.....

So, here's day to 2012. Everyone wants to lose weight. My idea is to think like a prisioner... A jailbird. Every person I've ever met that was ever in jail has said this: working out kept them sane. So, since I feel like this place is making me insane, I'm going to apply the jailbird theory.  Every hour, do 2 sets of jumping jacks in my cell. In the middle of a phone call??? Put them on hold!!! Screw it!! It's ur health and sanity! "Can I put u on a brief hold? Yes? Thank you!" Then, bam! Get up and do ur 2 sets of 10 jumping jacks.... It'll take a minute. Who cares if the coworker sitting across in their cell gives u the crazy eye or if ppl yell "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Goal is to get ur lazy, desk riding ass up. Maybe there cattle ass will get motivated to move around a little too.

There u have it. An idea for day one of your 25+ yr sentence. A way to get a little exercise in, giggle a little and get a little boob sweat going.

Xoxo,
A Cubicle Queen